Your Marriage Comes First

So you have a newborn…

…being a mama is indescribable and seeing your partner with the tiny human you two have created gives you butterflies all over again.

But sometimes that first year of having a new baby is the hardest year on a marriage.

There is so much “newness” in your lives that at times, it might be too much.

You may find that you are bickering more. Or maybe you’re starting to keep score - “I got up with the baby the last two nights,” or “I change all of the diapers yesterday”.

No you’re not a monster because you’ve thought this. We all have.

It’s easy to do when things become overwhelming. You’re tired. Your spouse is tired. The only one that isn’t tired is baby and as soon as he/she gets that way, they’re going to let you know by screaming at the top of their lungs and adding a little extra to that headache you already had.

Being a new parent is TOUGH work.

And it’s only human nature to gripe at your honey every now and then.

But I’m about to say something that probably won’t sit well with you.

Your relationship with your partner IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR HOME.

There, I said it.

Now, before your red flags start going off and you feel the need to check on my kiddos, I promise you I love each of them to the ends of the earth. I go out of my way to try and meet their every need or teach them how they can do it themselves.

But the truth of the matter is, if the two adults in the household are creating an environment of hostility and resentment, it isn’t good for my babies. It’s counterproductive to all of the love, joy, discipline and self-worth I’m attempting to instill in them.

Whereas if they grown up in a home where their parents are modeling love, acceptance and respect by holding hands, having hard conversations in a civilized manner, sharing a variety of roles in the home, and just acting like two imperfect people who are genuinely in love with one another, our kiddos are going to benefit immensely.

Yeah… that’s great and all but how do we reconnect in the midst of raising a newborn (and possibly other children)?!?!

Idk about you guys but sometimes it feels like my kids have some sort of internal alarm that sounds off the minute mommy and daddy go to have any type of alone time.

It makes it near impossible to have a full conversation, much less have any “grown up” time.

But there are ways around this and having been a mama for over 14 years, I feel like I’m well-versed in these little tricks.

Numero Uno:

Wait until they’re asleep. For older kids, this is hard because by the time they go down for the night, you’re exhausted and you still probably have a load of laundry to do. For newborns, this is hard because they tend to wake every couple of hours. So by the time you change out of your spit up-covered clothing and wash that Dr. Brown’s bottle with 15 different pieces, your little one is up and ready to play.

But no one said anything about lighting candles and scattering rose petals.

The point is to get in QUALITY time, not QUANTITY. It doesn’t have to be a 2 hour event like sitting down to watch a movie together. In fact, I’d encourage you NOT to watch a movie because there’s no communication happening there (unless you’re planning to Netflix and chill, then by all means, do your thing, sister!).

Keep your spit up clothes on. Your partner is probably as immune to the smell as you are at this point and they are used to seeing you looking like a mom. If I’m guessing, they are probably skipping showers and sporting a new Dad bod as well.

If you MUST do laundry so that no one is wondering around town naked, then ask your partner to join in on the fun. Talk about your day. Try to focus on discussing the positive things of your day. It’s easy to want to vent, but we have to make sure that our every conversation with our person isn’t just about all the things that bug us.

Go out on the porch and have a drink and find some new music you guys have been wanting to listen to (if you’re breastfeeding, have ice cream together).

Don’t know what to talk about?

Make a list of questions that you don’t know about your person. Or better yet maybe ask some of the same questions you did when you first started dating and see how their answers have changed over time (my favorite color changes every three years). You’ll be so surprised at what you learn about the people (and parents) that you are becoming.

If you absolutely cannot concentrate on your partner with a new baby but aren’t quite ready for a sitter,

… ask a trusted friend to hang out in the nursery while you spend a few hours together in the living room. This way, you’re still close enough to smell that new baby smell but if that sweet new baby cries, you aren’t obligated to interrupt your mini-date.

I always wonder what these sweet things are dreaming of when they smile in their sleep.

Numero Dos:

Go on a date.

“But my baby is only X weeks old!!! I can’t leave them yet!!!”

If leaving your baby at this point causes you more anxiety than it does peace and restoration, then by all means refer to Numero Uno.

But if leaving your baby causes you GUILT, hit that stuff over the head with your purse as you walk out the door.

There is no “right” age for your child to be when you go out without them for the first time. No one is going to call DCS. No one is going to think down on you. And if they do, you don’t need Karen as a friend anyway. Come sit by me!

It is an admirable thing to change your life and schedule for your child. It shows that you want to be there and be connected. But this goes back to the old airplane talk, “You have to put your oxygen on before you help anyone else.”

If you are stressed or not getting along with your spouse because you don’t have enough time with them, then it’s time to make time. It’s JUST as important, if not more important than the time you are spending with your baby.

While we like to be “independent” and that’s a great thing, we NEED our spouses. Maybe not for self-esteem reasons but because they are the other half of our two-person team. You guys are in this life together.

And even though you’re now parents, that isn’t all that you are. You’re still a daughter, you’re still a sister, you’re still a (insert profession here), you’re still a Christian, you’re STILL a wife.

I’m telling you, parenting is SOOOO much easier with your teammate beside you not only cheering you on, but lifting you up.

I hope this little read has encouraged you to meet your person again and make your relationship priority #1 and I’m challenging you to make it a point to do these little dates regularly - two times/month, once a week, etc.

Sending allllll the love and good vibes your way!!! xoxo

Nashville, Tennessee Newborn Photographer | Your Marriage Comes First | Gwin Newborn Session